The new Star Wars: The Last Jedi trailer debuted last night during… Monday Night Football? That’s certainly one way to torture nerds. Make them sit through three hours of sportsball to see a few minutes of sci-fi greatness.

Despite that questionable marketing strategy, I see a lot of chatter on the new characters that go by the name Porgs.

Look, the Porgs are the new Ewoks. And anyone who loved them when they were 13, when Return Of The Jedi came out, slowly realized a few things after puberty subsided: student loans suck, happy hour with your boss sucks, the 90’s were full of bands that sucked, but some sucked less, and revisiting Jedi, you learned the Ewoks sucked.

They were for kids, and Lucas was kid-slapping happy to feature toy-generating characters every chance he got. And he got A LOT in the prequels.

So, will the Porgs suck? Probably not, but I do think they’re “cuteness” will be a distraction. Maybe I’m just upset I didn’t get that Ewok treehouse for Christmas. But don’t forget, they were going to EAT Han Solo. Cute carnivores, until they eat you.

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